drag and bone

There came a moment where i saw my own paranoia. I see it and know it and live in it and realize, this is it. This is me. Creation. Create things. Dispel it. End it. Yes. No.
Rose, live well. Drug yourself to normalcy.
Normal, OK, this would be best for the others?
Yes, that's why I'm telling you. That's the whole reason for asking.
Yes, OK, so which drugs to take now?
Let the doctor decide.
Doctor?
We'll take you inside the system and a doctor who cares for you will prescribe medicines that will help you find normalcy.
OK, but...
No buts mister, you'll see. On the other side will be strong and consistent desire for family, steady increased income, social success and love.
Even love?
Yes, when you correct yourself people love you more because right now, well...
That sounds good. It sounds almost too good.
That's probably your disease talking. You don't have to fear any more about it. The doctor will show you which drugs to take and at what times and this will correct your paranoia.
You know this?
I know this.
Which drugs?
It depends on your dependencies. Probably Wellbutrin and Xanax for the acute moments.
Like when I feel like leaving or when I feel angry about social injustice or injustice in general?
Yes, at those times because you have everything you need and then some so when you think and feel those things you are just whining. Do you understand?
Yes, I understand. It just seems...
No seems or buts mister, just go and talk to the doctor and then live better and without disease.
Do you hear that?
What do you hear?
Lightening or something. I hear the weather.
Maybe it's just a passing storm Rose bud. Maybe you just hear what's passing.
You're probably right.
Of course I am. I'm helping. Isn't that what you always want, just to help? Well that's just what I'm doing, helping.
There are two moments in songs that I'm thinking over right now. It just sort of hits me when I think of these moments. Can I tell you?
Not really but I want you to have the best kind of trust with me so just tell me what you are thinking.
OK, I keep thinking about when Damien Jurado in Medication is praying to God and asks for him to take his brother's life. It's wrong but I ask it, please take my brothers life, he says and then when Bruce says Fear will turn your heart black you can trust in devil's and dust. I'm thinking of those two things and thinking which one I'll be.
The doctor is going to help you there. The doctor's going to bring you medications and then that's that, that'll be that. You won't have that kind of thing in you.
I was hoping, wondering, if that was like, normal, to think those things, those lyrics and about songs and stuff.
No, it's not. Not in that way. That's why we can do this, talk like this. OK?
OK.
(silence)
What's the best thing I can do right now. For myself.
The best thing?
Yes, for myself given our conversation and I want to please you.
Don't try and please me Rose because that usually goes nowhere. But I think maybe you can just tell a story. Try to write a story down.
I can do that?
Do it nice. Make it clean.
Nice. Clean.
(silence)
And then we'll see.
(silence)

Faf maimed a small woodland creature at the far extent of our yard. I would say it was a rat but on inspection it's head was too round and formed and I thought it was a groundhog. It must be a girl I thought, about the groundhog we see on a somewhat regular basis. The poor thing was helpless and sort of kicking futile on the hard patch of dirt near where the rail yard fill hits the embankment. Right where Faf dropped it at my feet, it's hind quarters covered in slime from dog saliva.
Baby, it's still living, leave it be Fafa.
She lay down kind of crawling toward it, tail wagging, awaiting my approval.
I placed a hand on her supine head and watched the poor thing kick and struggle through the last moments of its poor young life.
Oh babe, it's sad to see, I told Faf. Then I looked around to see if anyone was near and wept while I comforted Fafa because I wouldn't allow her to pick it up as we watched it die.
Where's Avé?
Too far from here.
Too far how? She's coming over now.
She's not going to be a part of this.
She's not going to know what to say anyway, your shit's always taking over.
Alright, so I'll stay quiet again.
Good thought.
Not so much.
I picked up the small thing's form, still breathing and placed it away from the open sun and danger, underneath the railway shrubs and left it alone to die while Faf and I moved along to get some beer and wings at our local pub in the early autumn sun.