nothing says you're on your own like goodbye

The past few nights I've had more dreams but I awake with the same sensation as if looking over the sea at night. In the morning, in half consciousness I arise, sometimes to the sounds of the early predawn call to prayer. I arise, look out from the window alone and answer back. Verbally I say "I love you", and the lord does answer me with the peaking light of dawn. Not an explosive crack of sun rather like shifting color on the table of the deep dark sea glowing as in a silvery cast; vast, vague and larger than the land. There I know of God and in my selfish heart I ask for more. When I ask I already know she will provide, it will be given. Though I also ask to carry no belongings. These two conflict. 'To settle,' the lord says, 'is no longer possible for you. Understand you have chosen this.' I answer, 'is this a punishment?' The lord answers, 'no.' Then the Lord is silent and I feel punished.

The Wolf in Albania

Ana says,
[11:18:10 AM] there's an image connecting standing in the streets and religion i have in my head
[11:18:10 AM] it was sooo powerfull...and scary for me, i was small.
[11:18:57 AM] after tito died each 4th may at 15h 05
[11:19:06 AM] on the moment of his death
[11:19:14 AM] sirens were starting
[11:19:25 AM] and lasting for 1 min
[11:19:36 AM] and everybody
[11:19:52 AM] but everybody would just freeze
[11:20:18 AM] it was magical.
[11:20:41 AM] the power a religion has over so many persons
[11:20:54 AM] willing to subordonate
[11:21:03 AM] without thinking
[11:21:11 AM] like a magic wand
[11:21:39 AM] and there was beauty also
[time]
[more time]

I know very little. And here I am. Trying to survive. You asked me to speak directly and now I am telling you. I have to be here and stay here. That is what you asked of me. So I am staying here. That is it.
(silence)
And you are silent again.
(silence)
Because I have had wine? How do I know you will stay with me?
(silence)
But I knew and so watched the land, knowing there would be nothing that emerged from it. The land was solid and hard and browned in spots. There were small lizards darting and crawling over it. I heard the dogs barking.

In Albania I had a dream. I was in Kukës. So very vivid. A wolf was chasing me. A fierce wolf and the landscape was devoid of any context. The wolf was persistent and gaining ground. As I looked past my shoulder at the final moment the beast was nearly on top of me. I saw teeth and the beauty of its fur and not much of the body as it lunged at me. Close enough to feel the breath. Then I woke.