Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The Astronaut
Summer is over. It came with cold rains, the first we had seen in Kosovo in some time. To me the rains felt right after the heat. I felt it in my skin and inside the belly. I thought it a good time to write you a letter.
I've sat down to write to you a thousand times and retracted because I have nothing more to say. It's true. I've used up the possibilities for connecting that started me writing to you in the first place, since we've met and parted. I pushed the boundaries until I lost it all and somehow this is necessary for me. If you could understand that, understand the process and why you'd understand that those parts, the ones I'd like to put aside and the ones you hold so central are just an inevitable process of going away from you. I want you to say something now, more because I've phrased it enough already. Because I wake up at night in fear sometimes.
There is no love left, she whispers.
Oh, I reply, then what about all those nights and dreams? What about I love you so much.
Now I realize that you were just fucked up, I forgot those.
Then why don't you simply tell me, at some point, to stop contact.
Silence. In a way I have. But I knew better, i knew about the beginning and the end because I was there and lived it. So I left it at that hoping that this life will have another lesson, that I'll be certain again sometime.
Long silence. You think so but it is not worth the contact for me. Just pain there.
Why do you allow it? I had heard that phrase from a friend and tried it now. At first the friend meant it for the lover of direct conflict, not the denial of the conflict.
I mean, if you can just deny that part we could reach a middle ground or ground even.
You're the one that had to put us in orbit Rose, you did that. My back ached with pain.
You're right but I'm on the ground again. I'm here now.
But I'm not. Then the connection dropped.
I had a girlfriend once who was an astronaut. It was difficult because she would have these extended stays in training and then, of course, the time in space on the international space station. I imagine how difficult that is only being able to communicate when my girl passed over the sky (which I always called "the heavens") and even then only when she wasn't working or on a spacewalk. I mean imagine that bullshit! And then even when she was free she'd always be wearing that stupid suit. I began to really have bad feelings about the whole thing. Once, I remember, being at my nephews christening. "What's that," Lordess Elgin asked not being familiar with the customs. "A baptism" I replied, "when Catholics receive a child into the faith." "Ah yes, I know." "Well all of the other girlfriends and wives were dressed normally except mine - she was wearing that stupid spacesuit. I couldn't even really hear her through the faceguard. Plus it was difficult for her to sit down. Even so she stood in the back for most of it. I mean try dealing with that in a relationship." "Why would she wear the suit? It seems a bit crazy," replied Elgin. "Exactly. It was so embarrassing - even stupid. We had to break up. It was a nearly impossible relationship." Lordess Elgin listened intently. "We broke up and haven't spoken since." I began to smile, sort of liking my role in the thing. "I mean we were together yes but she was never really there, instead just existing in her spacesuit when not actually in space. It happened like that though I wish it didn't sometimes." "I don't know when you're telling the truth or a story." I felt the same way.
I've sat down to write to you a thousand times and retracted because I have nothing more to say. It's true. I've used up the possibilities for connecting that started me writing to you in the first place, since we've met and parted. I pushed the boundaries until I lost it all and somehow this is necessary for me. If you could understand that, understand the process and why you'd understand that those parts, the ones I'd like to put aside and the ones you hold so central are just an inevitable process of going away from you. I want you to say something now, more because I've phrased it enough already. Because I wake up at night in fear sometimes.
There is no love left, she whispers.
Oh, I reply, then what about all those nights and dreams? What about I love you so much.
Now I realize that you were just fucked up, I forgot those.
Then why don't you simply tell me, at some point, to stop contact.
Silence. In a way I have. But I knew better, i knew about the beginning and the end because I was there and lived it. So I left it at that hoping that this life will have another lesson, that I'll be certain again sometime.
Long silence. You think so but it is not worth the contact for me. Just pain there.
Why do you allow it? I had heard that phrase from a friend and tried it now. At first the friend meant it for the lover of direct conflict, not the denial of the conflict.
I mean, if you can just deny that part we could reach a middle ground or ground even.
You're the one that had to put us in orbit Rose, you did that. My back ached with pain.
You're right but I'm on the ground again. I'm here now.
But I'm not. Then the connection dropped.
I had a girlfriend once who was an astronaut. It was difficult because she would have these extended stays in training and then, of course, the time in space on the international space station. I imagine how difficult that is only being able to communicate when my girl passed over the sky (which I always called "the heavens") and even then only when she wasn't working or on a spacewalk. I mean imagine that bullshit! And then even when she was free she'd always be wearing that stupid suit. I began to really have bad feelings about the whole thing. Once, I remember, being at my nephews christening. "What's that," Lordess Elgin asked not being familiar with the customs. "A baptism" I replied, "when Catholics receive a child into the faith." "Ah yes, I know." "Well all of the other girlfriends and wives were dressed normally except mine - she was wearing that stupid spacesuit. I couldn't even really hear her through the faceguard. Plus it was difficult for her to sit down. Even so she stood in the back for most of it. I mean try dealing with that in a relationship." "Why would she wear the suit? It seems a bit crazy," replied Elgin. "Exactly. It was so embarrassing - even stupid. We had to break up. It was a nearly impossible relationship." Lordess Elgin listened intently. "We broke up and haven't spoken since." I began to smile, sort of liking my role in the thing. "I mean we were together yes but she was never really there, instead just existing in her spacesuit when not actually in space. It happened like that though I wish it didn't sometimes." "I don't know when you're telling the truth or a story." I felt the same way.
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